Friday, June 6, 2014

FAR is Run by You, and You, and You....

Since Friends Along the Road is a free open-source social movement, YOU make it work. If you agree in general terms to the FAR Values and Vision statement, you are free to start your own FAR Sanctuary for Those in Grief In your home, on your land, at your office, job, or church, in the coffee house, in your school, in your gang, in the park, in your car, in the line at the grocery - wherever you can make it safe for people to grieve on their own terms, without pushing your own agenda on them. Download and spread the FAR literature and logo if you'd like. Make decals. Give 'em to taxi drivers and truckers. Talk to people about it. Remember, there are no leaders for FAR, no control-centers, no bureaucracy, no profit-making...just you, and you, and you, being friends along the road of human, animal, and plant people wherever you may meet them. ~ David Pierce, CoFounder, FAR

Saturday, May 17, 2014

The Woman in the Waiting Room

While sitting in the relatively empty waiting room of the clinic this morning, waiting to get my legs worked on by the osteopath, a woman of about my age seated close to me struck up a conversation. Naturally, it turned to children, and there was no easy way out of mentioning the death of my daughter, so I told her, briefly. Then she said how she will never get over her own grief and volunteered about how she had been abused by her grandfather from ages 10-15, and how even today, almost 40 years later, it hurts her deeply inside. She started sobbing and I held her for a moment. Then she told me how she felt better now. As I was called in by the nurse, the woman and I shook hands and exchanged first names. Later, sitting in the patient room waiting some more, I realized that while my leg injury was not the cause of "good coming from a bad thing," a way of thinking I do not much care for, that nevertheless, I am pleased how the subtle workings of the universe brought us together this day - the woman in the waiting room and me.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Do I really want closure for my grief?

I despise the term, "closure." Though it flows freely from the lips of TV psychologists, I consider it an ill-conceived and potentially damaging notion. My grief over the death of my daughter is unending, and I am glad for that: it is the closest connection I have with her, it appears to me anew each morning when I wake, and it keeps me on my toes so that I do not become a zombie who is suddenly "over" his grief and instantly focused back upon the trivial things of this world, such as being a good consumer. Grief allows me to think about essential things, to consider life and death carefully, and follow the cues that I am gifted with each moment by the cosmos so that I may live deliberately, with purpose an meaning. "Closure" for me conveys a sense of turning off a faucet. One cannot simply "turn off" grief. We may acquire facts and knowledge of the circumstances regarding the deaths of our loved ones, which may enrich our experiences of grief, but is that "closure"? I do not think so - or think it should be so. Being is infinitely multifaceted and ever changing. For me, I prefer the spigot full-open.

Friday, October 4, 2013

Amputated Fathers

"Please tell me the story of how you got those remarkable replacement legs," I asked my rider - a tall, powerful man of about my age who had ridden the shuttle bus a week earlier, with his daughter.

I was putting to test my theory that sometimes, people would prefer we admit our curiosity about their missing arms, legs, or other limbs instead of pretending not to notice, in much the same way that I would rather people ask me about my daughter Lilli rather than avoiding the subject.

The man's eyes lit up.

"Of course," he said. "Three years ago I contracted a virus and my legs had to be removed. At first I was denied disability coverage, even though I had worked hard in this county for 35 years; but I fought and persevered, and eventually the disability came through. In the meantime, I had help: several doctors decided to help me, pro bono. First, they fitted me with some starter-prosthetics, and after I learned to use them, they gave me these--" He smiled at his new metal legs. "An attorney, also working for free, took on the disability case and never gave up. The whole thing has been incredibly hard, but I found that if you keep trying, you will eventually succeed with just about anything. I won the case and got on disability."


"That's fantastic!" I said.

He looked at me in the rear-view mirror. "I am not allowed to earn money, because of the terms of disability, so I volunteer my time with everything, all over the place. For instance, I help out at the senior citizen center, and I teach people with conditions similar to mine how to ski and snowboard."

"That's the real work," I told him. "I am proud of you."

"I live a blessed life," he said. "My daughters bring me great joy. As widower raising two incredible teenage girls on my own, I find that they give me tremendous meaning and purpose."

"I enjoyed your daughter's company when you rode with me last week."


"Yes, we were at the Outlets getting supplies for the homecoming dance."

For a moment we rode in silence. Then I said, "I like the way you do volunteer work."In my view, money is responsible for the world's problems. People tend to do better by following the old way of giving and receiving without any thought of exchange, the way people and all of nature lived for eons before money was ever invented."

"Totally agree," he said.

"You are a living example of why this is true - and so are your doctors."

I explained that I am trying to start a moneyless, exchangeless society, and mentioned Freecycle. "I have been practically living off of it for two years, giving and receivigng, guilt-free. Deep down, people really want to do things for each other because it feels right. Not because they want to earn money."

He was very interested in the discussion. I told him how to get signed up with Freecycle and mentioned my own endeavor, the Free Society Giftivism Network. Before he left we exchanged names, shook hands...and as he strode off on those strong metal limbs, I had a curious feeling about this man: that we would be talking again.

It could be that if  I had asked a different amputee for the story of his legs, the person might have become offended. But by trusting my instinct in this regard and asking THIS man on THIS day for his story, I was given - on this day at least - an affirmation that my theory has something to it.

More importantly, I believe I have met a friend along the road.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Excerpts from "Gifts to Guide Us Home," by Elsa Weber



©2013 by Elizabeth A. Weber

Note: This column comes to us via my friend Elsa Weber, author of, A Beautiful Mourning, which I have reviewed on this blog and recommended without qualifications. Elsa writes on her website that "I encountered a form of coaching that allowed me to rest in my 'not knowing.' This wise model is called the Seasons of Change and was developed by Carol McClelland Ph.D. after losing a loved one of her own." Recently, Elsa sent me, on my request, the following chapters from an unpublished addition to A Beautiful Mourning that she had planned to call, "Gifts to Guide Us Home." On reading them I knew instantly that I had to share these gifts with you.  ~ Dave Piece, CoFounder, Friends Along the Road

The Pull of Biology

In Part One of A Beautiful Mourning, I wrote that grieving is not a time of reason but a time of intense emotions. I speculated that a neuroscientist would “most likely explain it in terms of a shift from higher-level cognitive functions in the cerebral cortex to the primitive emotions of the limbic system.”

Since writing that statement, I’ve had the good fortune to read exactly what the neuroscientists do have to say and—in the spirit of “informed worship”—I would like to share some of these findings now. The first thing that I have learned is what an erroneous notion that I—along with most of the modern world—have about emotions being “primitive.” Pioneering researcher, Paul Ekman, has shown us that far from being “a primitive annoyance” and “a vestige of our ancient animal brain” that needs to be controlled; emotions are varied, complex—and above all useful.

Our ability to understand and recognize different emotions is something that unites all humans in our great evolutionary tree. Contemplating the role of emotions themselves is a fascinating pursuit. Although it may seem ridiculously obvious but the fact that we feel emotions are one of their most unique characteristics. We feel, as opposed to think about our emotions.

Instead of having one thought amongst many, our strong feelings get our attention in a novel—and ultimately very helpful way. For example, when we feel anger it actually has a highly recognizable physiological profile: Our heart beats faster, our muscles tense, our nostrils flare to take in more oxygen, and we focus our thoughts and consolidate our internal resources to respond to a threat (be this real or imagined). Feelings are, in fact, a remarkably advanced part of the nature’s design. And not only do feelings help us gain valuable information about our world, they also inform others. This fact, that we show our emotions, through facial expressions has been the hallmark of Ekman’s groundbreaking research.

George Bonanno was influenced by Ekman’s work and viewed the role of sadness in a similar way—he looked for its value. It turns out that sadness has many specific and useful properties. First of all, it alerts others to the fact that we may be in need of help and understanding. In his book, The Other Side of Sadness: What the New Science of Bereavement Tells Us About Life After Loss, he says that during bereavement we can “temporarily forget about our immediate needs and responsibilities to those around us.” Fortunately, sadness has a “built-in safety mechanism.”

During sadness our “face literally sags” and “our eyebrows pinch together and raise upward forming a triangle; the eyelids narrow, the jaw slackens, and the lower lip is drawn out and down to form a kind of pout.” So whether we are aware of it or not, nature has created a compelling message to others that we are in need of their help. And think about it, isn’t the practice of bringing over a “covered dish” of prepared food one of the most traditional responses to a death in the family? Why is this? Because the bereaved person is usually too preoccupied with their grief to prepare their own food or even remember to eat.

After studying the role of sadness in depth for many years, Bonanno has come to understand the role of sadness this way: It gives us a forced “time-out.” During bereavement we are trying to adjust to the loss in our life. It turns out that sadness is one of nature’s essential tools to help us do this. He describes it as being almost the opposite of anger, “Whereas anger prepares us to fight, sadness dampens our biological systems.” Sadness slows us down so that we are able to “put aside normal, everyday concerns and turn our attention inward.” Many people report the feeling of loss as one of “living in slow motion.”

Riding the Wave

Viewed from the objective eyes of a scientist, bereavement is essentially a “stress reaction.” A stress reaction is anything that is perceived as a threat to our well-being. And certainly losing anyone—who is the most and dear to our heart—does challenge our sense of wellbeing. Bonanno’s team of researchers at Columbia University found that “like any stress reaction” grief is not “uniform or static.”

Like my perception of being hit with a tsunami wave, Bonanno confirmed that, in fact, grief does come in a wave-like pattern. The dry and clinical description of this theory is the “dual process model” where we oscillate between “loss orientation” and a “restoration orientation.” In loss orientation we focus on our loss and in restoration orientation we focus on “the tasks and demands of life without the deceased” and on what needs to be done to return to normal functioning again.

Bonanno is not surprised about his research findings. In fact, he observes that this “same kind of back-and-forth fluctuation is apparent in just about every other mind and body function we know.” He cites numerous examples; we breathe in and we breathe out, our body temperature rises and falls, our muscles tighten and our muscles relax, we become alert and we rest, and even in sleep itself we cycle through periods of lighter and deeper sleep.

In fact, the more we reflect on our own wave-like natures the more obvious it becomes that grief would work this way too. Emilie Conrad Daoud, founder of the Continuum bodywork devoted her life to understanding the fluidity of our nature, “The message of God can be felt in the movement of water.” She states, “The ocean, our blood, the liquids inside our planet, amniotic and spinal fluid—are all the same.” Poetically (and, perhaps, prophetically) Conrad goes on to describe the fluid in our cells as our “liquid presence” and “our spiritual birthright.”

Bonanno discovered the deep wisdom in nature’s design. He said that “relentless grief would be overwhelming” and that “grief is tolerable” only because it comes in this wave-like oscillation where we are allowed—and designed—to move back and forth emotionally. He concluded that we can’t “reflect on the reality of a loss” and engage with the world around us at the same time so the fact that we do it in cycles makes perfect sense.

The Unique Storm

Roy Remer, a hospice worker with the Zen Center in San Francisco, describes what he has witnessed many times and his anecdotal accounts reconcile with the new science of bereavement; “Following the death of a loved one, we often feel isolated from those around us, trapped in the unique storm of our emotions.” He elaborates, “Cut off from the familiar by our loss, we experience intense suffering. We may feel as if we can’t go on living. Like a sick infant, we are inconsolable and helpless.” Remer goes on, “Simply making it through the day becomes an enormous effort, eating and sleeping seem impossibly challenging, and the simplest of tasks overwhelm us. We’re incapable of imagining that the pain will ever end. In grief we are thrashed upon the rocks, broken and dismembered.”

The severity of the pain we feel is poignantly captured in C.S. Lewis’s memoir, A Grief Observed.  Describing his wife’s battle with cancer and her constant and unremitting pain he wrote, “Physical pain can be absolutely continuous…like the steady barrage on a trench in World War One, hours of it with no let-up for a moment.” He continued with the war-metaphor by saying, “but grief is like a bomber circling round and dropping its bombs each time the circle brings it overhead.” We know that grief hurts but why does it hurt so bad? I believe that we can get a glimpse at the physiology of it by looking at the work of the researchers from The Wellspring Institute for Neuroscience and Contemplative Wisdom, Rick Hansen Ph.D. and Richard Mendius M.D. In their book, Buddha’s Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom, they attempt to illuminate both the process and science of enlightenment.

They begin with a quote from the Buddha himself to illustrate the condition of the fully realized being: “Indeed, the sage who’s fully quenched rests at ease in every way; No sense desire adheres to him, whose fires have cooled, deprived of fuel. All attachments have been severed. The heart’s been led away from pain; Tranquil, he rests with utmost ease. The mind has found its way to peace.”

Science helps us make sense of this passage “whose fires have cooled” by explaining the nature of the Sympathetic Nervous System and our “stress-related hormones” that fire us up to help us pursue our opportunities (originally this meant the chance to eat) and avoid threats (or the potential of being eaten!). Dr Hansen describes this system in our body as having our “foot on the gas.”

Unfortunately, as we all know from living a life in the twenty-first century, this getting fired up to live with passion and achieve our goals can also leave us feeling “driven, rattled, stressed, irritated, anxious, or blue.” This is definitely not the state the Buddha was describing. Fortunately, nature has also equipped us with a Parasympathetic Nervous System that could be described as our ability to calm ourselves or put our “foot on the brake.” When the parasympathetic nervous system is engaged “calming, soothing, healing ripples spread through your body, brain, and mind.”

However, in addition to having these two complimentary branches of the Central Nervous System we have a highly complex brain. Our brain has evolved over time to send neuro-modulating hormones such as norepinephrine, dopamine, and serotonin to energize, motivate, and reward us to achieve our goals. Psychiatrist and author of the book, Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain, Dr. John Ratey, put it this way “Learning and memory evolved in concert with the motor functions that allowed our ancestors to track down food, so far as our brains are concerned, if we’re not moving, there’s no real need to learn anything.

Neurophysiologist, Rodolfo Llinas, illustrated this point with a story in his book, I of the Vortex: From Neurons to Self. The story goes that a sea squirt is born with a simple spinal cord and a three-hundred-neuron brain. The creature swims around in the shallow water until it finds a nice patch of coral to attach itself to. Once safely attached, the creature spends the rest of its days resembling a plant which has no more need for a brain—so the sea squirt simply eats its own brain. Llinas’s interpretation of this natural phenomenon: “That which we call thinking is the evolutionary internalization of movement.”

Ratey elaborates, “It’s about growth versus decay, activity versus inactivity. The body was designed to be pushed, and in pushing our bodies we push our brains too.” He goes on to say that we seem to have lost the understanding that “challenges are what allow us to strive and learn and grow.” Ratey believes that stress is “not a matter of good or bad—it’s a matter of necessity.”

Fascinating research on the brains of depressed patients corroborates the link between movement and the brain. MRI scans of chronically depressed people show structural damage in the cerebral cortex or thinking portion of the brain. In depression, certain areas of the brain simply shut down at the cellular level. Emory University neurologist, Helen Mayberg, describes it this way, “These people are stuck. They have an inability to put thought to action because they are not in gear.”

Psychiatrist Alexander Niculescu describes depression as an “emotional hibernation.” He wrote, “When the emotional landscape turns wintry, our neurobiology tells us to stay inside…. It’s as if our entire being has said, there’s nothing out there for me, so I may as well quit.” It’s clear that when we stop moving, we stop learning, and we stop growing.

Scientists are now redefining depression as a problem of connectivity. They realize that it’s not just a matter of feeling hopeless but it also affects memory, attention, energy, and motivation. The emotions of depression can also interfere with the ability to sleep, eat, have sex, and generally care for ourselves at the most primitive level. And Dr. Hansen writes about the part of the limbic system that lights up when “lovers get jilted…physical pain and social pain is based on overlapping neural systems.” He says, quite literally, “rejection hurts.”

How much more painful then, is it when our emotional landscape does, indeed, turn wintry? When we lose a loved one, we are given a forced “time-out” by nature through our sadness and grief which in many ways mirrors the emotional state of depression; including a lack of energy and motivation, an inability to focus or concentrate, and a diminished will to live.

The Wisdom Traditions

Hospice worker, Roy Remer has found that friends and family whom we usually count on for solace may be overwhelmed themselves and unable to offer any comfort. He says, “we find ourselves cast off into uncharted waters with no shore in sight and no one we can look to for rescue.” Fortunately, studies of the ancient wisdom traditions help us to understand that these painful waters may not be as uncharted as they first appear to be.

In the extremely helpful book, Mourning and Mitzvah, Rabbi Anne Brener, shares the time-honored gifts from the Jewish faith. She explains that Jewish law prohibits extending the usual polite greeting to the mourner; “We do not say ‘Shalom Alekhim’ (Peace be with you) or ‘Good day’ or ‘Good bye’ because ‘Shalom’ and ‘good’ do not appropriately describe the days or feelings of a mourner.”

Rather than extend the usual polite greetings, Judaism suggests that someone attempting to provide comfort simply sit beside the mourner and share in his or her grief. Rabbi Brener explains that “perhaps the greatest teaching on how to comfort comes in the name of God that is invoked in the blessing on behalf of mourners.” The Mourner’s Blessing goes like this: “May HaMakom (God) comfort you among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.”

There are many names for God in the Jewish tradition; such as, HaRachaman which means the Compassionate one and El Emunah which means the Faithful One. However, in the Mourner’s prayer the name for God that is used is HaMakom and it is very different from all other names for the Divine. This name is not descriptive of a quality. Instead HaMakom means “The Place.”

Rabbi Brener beautifully writes, “HaMakom embrace without defining the nature of the embrace.” She goes on to explain that within this holy embrace there is neither a description of the face of Holiness or a prescription for the behavior of the one in need of this embrace. “This non-intrusive embrace is exactly the kind of safe attention that mourners need in order to find their voice of healing. It countenances the array of feelings that mourners may experience without prescribing what mourners are to feel.”

So the Jewish tradition creates a safe place for healing and calls this safe place “God.” Rabbi Brener also refers to as it “Holy Places of Comfort” and encourages us all to provide these safe sanctuaries to mourners. Here mourners will receive the healing and comfort that they need directly from God. She says “We acknowledge the mysterious nature of healing” and “assert that healing comes from some place of soul which is beyond our understanding or control.”

In Rabbi Brener’s own experience of working with people in mourning, she has found that those in grief are often severely burdened by feeling a need to attend to the inept people who come to help them. These “would be comforters” often have good intentions but actually do more harm than good by trying to provide a magic fix by finding “just the right phrase that will transform their mourning.”

The deep wisdom of Judaism acknowledges that you can’t make it better. You can’t take away the pain of loss and you can’t bring back the person who has died. Coming to terms with this powerlessness, paradoxically allows us to show up for the bereaved in the most truly helpful way possible—to share in his or her grief. And this sharing of one’s grief is considered a “mitzvah” which literally translates as “a commandment” but is most commonly understood as “a good deed.”

A good deed is the kind of thing a “mensch” or good person would do. But to do it correctly—without being intrusive—is challenging without guidance. That is why a book like Mourning and Mitzvah is so helpful. It delineates our roles. Jonathon Omer-Man describes it this way: “True comforters are present in a precise and limited way. They are walk-on players in a minor role.” When Rabbi Brener describes the ritual of Shiva she says directly, “During that time, attend to their physical needs, but don’t talk too much.”

She explains that ritualized ways of interacting with one in mourning is designed to carry the mourner “through this time of numbness or unreality without too much intrusion. The comforter is supposed to walk past the mourner and wait for a cue from the mourner that says it is alright to speak.” She goes on to wisely instruct, “Mourners may not find their voices until long after the death has occurred. Be there when they are ready to talk.”

Grief and Praise

Stephen Jenkinson, also known as The Griefwalker, is a Harvard trained theologian, spiritual counselor, ceremonialist, and storyteller. He is also the founder of a school called Orphan Wisdom. Jenkinson calls it “a redemptive project that comes from where we come from. It is rooted in knowing history, being claimed by ancestry, working for a time we may not see.” He is also “revolutionizing the way we think about grief and dying in North America” by challenging the prevailing paradigm that grief is an affliction, a misery, or an affliction that we need “coping and management and five stages and twelve steps to get over.”

Provocatively Jenkinson asks, “What if grief is a skill, in the same way that love is a skill, something that must be learned and cultivated and taught? What if grief is the natural order of loving life anyway?” He goes on to say that in a time like ours—an information-drunk culture that confuses wisdom with information—grieving is a subversive act. Jenkinson teaches that grief as a skill “is the skill of being able to praise or love.” He calls them “honored guests” that should be welcomed at your table. They clink their glasses together “toasting the living.”

Martin Prechtel, who comes from the Mayan people in Guatemala, echoes the sentiment that grief is a skill or way of looking at the world that links grief with praise. In his travels and work as a shaman, he noticed that people who couldn’t “weep properly for the dead” were not fully alive. He clarifies what he means by weeping properly, it doesn’t mean right or wrong but really knowing how to do it “where you look bad when you’re done…when your hair is missing and your clothes are ripped and you’re down on your hands and knees in the street.”

Prechtel noticed that people who couldn’t grieve couldn’t praise. Through self-inquiry he observed that when he—or other Mayan or indigenous people—pray it always contains great grief. As soon as he begins to utter a pray his voice is choked with emotion and his eyes well with tears. Emphatically Prechtel states that this is not “an act” or performance—it’s not theatrics! “Your mortality is in your face every time you praise realistically.” People often asked him what this means and he explains, “It’s because if you are praising something—your grief has to be present for the stakes to be high enough for the praise to be legitimate.”

According to ancient wisdom, true praise has to contain the notion that you are mortal, and that the praised is mortal and the “beauty is that at this moment we are all together at this place to be together.” Ancient wisdom is holistic wisdom. It acknowledges the fleeting quality of life right in the midst of life. There’s a grief contained in praise that “makes the magic of praise very real because the stakes are extremely high.”

Prechtel explains that grief is, in truth, a “praise of life!” He says that you have to wail from deep within because otherwise it means you don’t “love the thing you lost” and then, what use is it? “You’ve gotta love the thing you lost. And you’ve gotta love the thing you’ve got!” He elaborates, “That’s why the thing you’ve got—when you’re grieving for the thing—is called praise. And when you’re praising for the thing you’ve lost—it’s called grief.”

Stephen Jenkinson echoes this same idea when he defines grief, “It’s how you love all those things in life that end.” And in this world—all things come to an end. He encourages us to realize that our “cultural, spiritual and ancestral treasure will be in seeds we know the story of that will feed those we love.”

Don’t Surrender Your Loneliness

Knowing the story and honoring the art of storytelling is a central part of cultural anthropologist Angeles Arrien’s work. Like Mayan shaman, Martin Prechtel, and our Harvard trained shaman, Stephen Jenkinson, Arrien studies the wisdom traditions. In her book, Living in Gratitude, she calls the wisdom that has “been passed on from generation to generation since the birth of humankind” perennial wisdom. This is the multicultural wisdom that is “the shared values and the inherent positive beliefs of humanity.”

In her book on gratitude she explores why gratitude is so essential. She says, “After all, giving thanks and expressing appreciation for the blessings and gifts of life is a natural human response.” She also explores the value and virtue of storytelling. In one of her more popular talks she describes “The Four Questions.”

These are questions that you would be asked by a shaman, or medicine person, if you went complaining of being “disheartened or dis-spirited.”

These questions are; “When did you stop singing? When did you stop dancing? When did you stop being enchanted by stories? and When did you stop being comforted by the sweet territory of silence?” Arrien explains that the indigenous people understood that to stop singing meant losing “our authentic voice” and failing to “bring my voice forward.” When we stop dancing, we’ve lost our connection with our body. When we stop being enchanted by stories—particularly our own life story—is when we lose our connection to our “fire and heart.”

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, when we stop being comforted by the sweet territory of silence is when we begin to “mistrust the Mystery, or the unfamiliar, or the unknown.” This resting in the Mystery is what the Sufis have understood very deeply for centuries. Rumi said, “Don’t surrender your loneliness so quickly. Let it cut more deep. Let it ferment you and season you as few human or even divine ingredients can.”

In his poem, “The Guest House” Sufi poet, Jelaluddin Rumi equates being human to being a guest house and encourages us to welcome all our experiences in even if they are a “crowd of sorrows” who “violently sweep your house empty of its furniture.” He calls these experiences “gifts to guide us home.” So how could a crowd of sorrows that leaves us feeling “helpless and inconsolable” like a “sick infant” be a gift? And how can they “guide us home?”

Let’s explore this from the more integrated perspective of multiple faith traditions. We’ll begin with an encouragement from Ernest Holmes, the founder of Religious Science, “Amidst the din and uproar of our lives, the accumulated fear, doubt, and confusion of the ages, there has always been and always will be a still, small, voice within that seeks to proclaim itself through us. Life has given us all we could ever desire. It is up to us to decide and discover for ourselves what the nature of life is, and accept it."

Buddhist teacher, Pema Chodron, poignantly writes that “inspiration and wretchedness compliment each other.” She warns that with only inspiration we would become impossibly arrogant and preoccupied with our own joy. Whereas, “feeling wretched humbles us” and “softens us up.” And Thomas Moore, the author of Care of the Soul, writes about his experience of working with depressed patients in his private practice. Often the client would drag themselves in practically wanting to hide their head in shame for being so down. They would make comments about hating for anyone to see them like this. Privately, Moore would notice how tender and vulnerable and easy to love these clients were in this condition. He would wish he could convey the beauty and tenderness of their shared humanity.

In contrast, how self-absorbed and intimidating we can all become when things are going along swimmingly. I’m thinking of the many Christmas newsletters I’ve received from families where little Jenny just won a violin scholarship, and Timmy is at Young Astronauts Camp, and there are promotions and vacations and they are all on top of the world. While it is wonderful to celebrate another’s success it also leaves us all a bit cold. It’s a bit imbalanced. It’s putting on the “happy face.”

Paradoxically, Stephen Jenkinson, reminds us that, “Not success. Not growth. Not happiness. The cradle of your Love of Life—is death.” He goes on to say that we “must know grief well in order to appreciate our own lives.” And poet Jennifer Wellwood gets right in our face with her poem about death by saying “My friends, let’s grow up. Let’s stop pretending we don’t know the deal here.” She tells us straight out that “impermance is life’s only promise to us” and that she keeps it “with ruthless impeccability.”

Can you feel the truth of that poem? “Impermanence is life’s only promise to us.” Modern spiritual master, Gangagi, further elaborates on this process: “You can never discover how big the heart is until you are willing to let everything in….. Everything. All the pain of the world, all the pain of the past, all the pain to come, the necessary pain that is part of life, the unnecessary pain that is part of avoiding pain. All of it. All of it.”

Remember what the Bible says about there being a time for everything? From Ecclesiastes: “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot…a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance…a time to be silent and a time to speak.”

In my own season of mourning, I had the good fortune to discover Carol McClelland’s model for viewing change that is an intuitively obvious model which is instantly recognizable to anyone. In this natural way of looking at the world, death, dying, and illness, is all viewed as “Winter” and I wrote about this model in Part One, "A Beautiful Mourning.” I talk about my daily walks where I observed nature’s processes; “I notice the starkness of a severely pruned rosebush. It has been reduced to a bare stump with only a few gnarled branches, and I recognize the rosebush as my kindred spirit.”

McClelland writes, “In this model, change is not seen as an error or mistake that knocks you off the ladder of success, but rather as an opportunity—an invitation—to deepen your connection to yourself, to other people, to nature, to life itself.” She goes on to say, “…it’s high time we learn to revere all phases of the cycle of life. Given our slant in this culture, I have no doubt that you celebrate births and the good parts of life easily. Now it’s time to lift the filters we’ve put in place to avoid seeing death and decay.”

In the Hindu tradition they have a goddess that specifically represents this state of being that we’ve been describing as being “like a sick infant, helpless and inconsolable” “trashed upon the rocks” “broken and dismembered” or “reduced to a bare stump.” She is called “A – khi—land—esh—vari.” In Sanskrit “Ishvari” means “Goddess” and “Akilanda” means “never not broken.” In other words “The Always Broken Goddess.”

Akhilandeshvari is depicted as riding on a crocodile. Hindu theologians believe that the crocodile represents the reptilian brain which is where we feel fear. And crocodiles are known, not only for their incredibly powerful jaws, but for the way that they pluck their prey from the banks of the river and pull them into the water where they spin them into disorientation.

And what does the Always Broken Goddess teach us? Akilandeshvari refuses to reject her fear, nor does she let it control her. Instead she rides on it. And what is the purpose of this all? This disorientation? This broken-ness? In fact, the never-not-broken aspect? The thing about going through these disorienting transitions is that one of the things you lose is your expected future. When you lose a child, or a spouse, or your home, or your job, or your health, your future dissolves in front of you. And of course, it’s terrifying!

In pieces, in a pile on the floor, with no idea how to go forward, your expectations of the future are meaningless. Your stories about the past do not apply. You are disoriented. And when your identity has been shattered, you have to ask the BIG question—Who am I? This is the question all the philosophers, and theologians, and seekers of truth eventually get to. And this is the gift that the crowd of sorrows gives us. If I am not the mother of my child—then who am I? If I am not a wife, or a husband, or my job, or my home—then who am I?

In The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying, Buddhist teacher Sogyal Rinpoche addresses both the question of impermanence and identity: “Taking impermanence truly to heart is to be slowly freed from the idea of grasping…. Slowly it dawns on us that all the heartache we have been through from grasping at the ungraspable was, in the deepest sense, unnecessary. At the beginning this too may be painful to accept, because it seems so unfamiliar. But as we reflect, and go on reflecting our hearts and minds go through a gradual transformation.” Rinpoche goes on to warn that it is not “enough to just contemplate impermanence.” He says that just as medical studies require both theory and practice, so does life. We have to work at it! “With each successive change, we realize a little bit more, and our view of living becomes deeper and more spacious." It takes work and practice and patience and time to deepen. And it is this deepening that expands our capacity to embrace all of life: Sufi mystic, Inayat Khan wrote: “If there were no pain, one would not have the experience of joy. It is pain which helps one to experience joy. Everything is distinguished by its opposite and the one who feels pain deeply is more capable of expressing joy…. Without pain the great musicians, athletes, discoverers, and thinkers would not have reached the stage they have arrived at in the world. If they had always experienced joy, they would not have touched the depths of life.”

Unfortunately we can not reach the depths of life, by shortcuts, or gimmicks, or spiritual bypass. Knowing that our loved one is in “heaven” or “free from pain” or “at peace” or “in Spirit” does not lessen our pain. And I know this first-hand because I had profound experiences of communication and connection with my Beloved immediately after his passing but that did not lessen my heartache.

When All is Well and Not Well

The day after Bob died I needed to meet with the funeral director to sign papers authorizing his cremation. He arrived at the appointed time and I invited him to sit down at the kitchen table so we might review the paperwork together. I offered him a cup of coffee which he politely declined and instead we dived right into the sticky business of death.

It was difficult to stay focused and my attention wavered as we plodded through a seeming mountain of papers. At some point, I asked to take a moment as I followed my inner prompting to light a candle for Bob to be present with us during our time together. I just happened to have a picture of Bob right on the kitchen table. In this picture he is gazing directly into the camera and his blue eyes really did seem to be the proverbial window to his soul. On the table was a vase of flowers, the picture, and the lit candle. It created an impromptu shrine. While I was nodding my head and signing in a perfunctory way, my mind was on remembering Bob. I seemed to be drifting between realities.

As I started noticing what I thought were peculiarities in the funeral director, my self-talk became increasingly negative. For example, he had slicked back hair, wore a coat with a Nehru collar, copious amounts of jewelry including rings on nearly every finger and an old-fashioned country singer style string-tie. I thought to myself, “This guy is a real odd duck.” And then it happened! In a voice just as clear as a bell, I heard Bob say, “But look at how conscientious he is.” So I looked again. This man who was sitting at my kitchen table busily shuffling papers was doing it with so much sincerity. I hadn’t notice that before. I tuned into how my body felt when I thought this kinder and more appreciative thought—it felt relaxed and good.

Bob was right. This man was sincere. More negative objections arose in my mind though. Who wants to be in the funeral business? Why did he choose this gruesome line of work? Bob’s voice spoke to me again, “He is a heroic man. He is doing work that nobody else wants to do. He needs to be respected.” I tried this perspective on. Again, it felt good.

My dialogue with Bob went back and forth with more petty complaints that are too trivial to recall until I exhausted all my objections. And what became glaringly obvious to me during this process of communicating with Bob was that whenever I thought one of my own thoughts—that is judgmental—I felt unwell. But when I allowed Bob’s loving way of looking at the world to flow through me I felt a glowing contentment.

After a few minutes, I became less and less interested in hanging on to my own habitual way of looking at the world and I consciously stepped aside to let Bob think through me. I was still there but only as a witness. In many ways, this mirrored my physical relationship with Bob too. I often simply basked in the warmth and kindness of his presence. Bob was the closest person to God that I knew and to be with him was to be in heaven.

By consciously giving Bob permission to speak through me, he spoke directly to the poor, beleaguered funeral director who toiled away in front of me. Bob showered the man with attention and it unleashed a floodgate of sorrow and frustration in the man. He spoke about how vilified he was in his job and how people equated him with death itself. He recalled numerous stories of being physically assaulted by otherwise meek and mild grandmothers upon hearing of their husband’s demise.

In fact, after thirty years on the job, he resigned himself to accept the abuse as part and parcel of the work. He said it was hard to accept for the first ten or twenty years but then he came to understand that “it wasn’t personal.” People just don’t like to accept death. Now he understood. Now he could take it. Because he did take it with dignity—never returning abuse for abuse—he was often profusely thanked later “after people had returned to their senses.”

For three hours, Bob allowed this man to unburden himself from his sorrows as he affirmed his dignity and worth. My body felt energized and refreshed afterwards. However, my mind still had the petulance to say, “What just happened here? I’m the one who lost my husband. That man should have been here for me!” Years later, it’s comical to recognize just how childish the ego can be. In the midst, of a miracle, it still complains.

What this experience showed me directly is that Bob’s spirit is very much alive and well! Not only that, he is available to me at any time that I invite him in. I remember him with love and tune into his wavelength just like tuning into a radio station. Also since Bob was a long-time singer of Barbershop Harmony, every Sunday during my local church service he chimes in during the closing peace song to harmonize “in peace and harmony.” And I can still see the big smile on his face as he does this. I see both the living people in the room and feel and see Bob’s presence just as clearly.

However, having a clear knowing that death is not really the end of life did not negate my own need to mourn. And this is an important point to remember. Dr. Henry Maudsley, an eighteenth century physician wrote “A sorrow not given vent makes other organs weep.” Our sorrows are still our sorrows and we have to face them. As poet Jennifer Wellwood so eloquently states “each condition I flee from pursues me” but “each condition I welcome transforms me.”

Welcome It All

Let’s look at how we might go about the process of welcoming mourning in. Rabbi Anne Brener shares some of the profound wisdom of the Jewish tradition in her book, Mourning and Mitzvah: “Upon hearing of the death of a loved one, Jews traditionally tore their garments ‘to expose the heart.’…Tearing a garment symbolizes the severing of a relationship. It permanently mutilates something valuable that can not be mended. By ‘exposing our heart’, we also expose our vulnerability before others. This emotional nakedness…is the raw material of our transformation.”

She goes on to say, “during mourning, we have the opportunity to strip away parts of our self-image that are not authentically our own.” As we do this, Brener says that “we begin to reclaim our lives.” But she cautions that “the walk from the house of mourning may be the most difficult walk of your life. For many it may feel like learning to walk with new legs as you struggle to regain your equilibrium. The walk begins with careful measured steps of early mourning and must find footing amid the chaos and raw emotions of the middle stage of loss.”

I will never forget how surprised and humbled I was when I arrived for my first day of a counseling internship on a psychiatric ward and found out that losing a child was the number one, most common precipitating incident that brought someone in. And on all psychological stress tests, the death of a child is unanimously rated as the number one most difficult stress to cope with while the death of a spouse comes in a close second

Deborah Anthony writes about “the gap” between those who have lost children and those who have not. She writes, “The excruciating and isolating reality that bereaved parents feel is hermetically sealed” from others and “thus it is a trap” because the compassion and insight we need is not allowed in. In a touching piece of writing called “The Great Tenderness on the Edge of Everything,” author Jean Rhude, described her own experience of grief after losing her son as being pulled between two valleys. She says that one valley is the “valley of the shadow of loss and I am pulled there by invisible forces that feel like powerful magnets” where she longs to “rest and wallow and be in this profound sadness.” Whereas, the other valley pulls just as forcefully inviting her to “re-learn the language of happy.” Most days “the only place to rest is that narrow ridge, on the precipice, between the two valleys.”

In Part One of A Beautiful Mourning, I wrote, “I am saving my life by losing my life. I lose everything I had known about myself. I lose all my interests, appetites, and desires.  What a freedom I discover in this! It’s as if everything I had known myself to be is wiped clean. I can start fresh, I can be reborn. And who do I want to be?”

The Crack in Everything

In Julia Cameron’s book, The Prosperous Heart, she writes “Although loss is always painful, it serves to put us in touch with our own spirit. Loss cracks our hard outer shell and exposes our vulnerability.” Or as Leonard Cohen soulfully sang “There is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in.” Or maybe it’s how the light gets out? Inayat Khan believed that life “is a place for study, in which every sorrow, every heartbreak brings a precious lesson. It is a place in which to learn by one's own suffering, by the study of the suffering of others; to learn from the people who have been kind to us as well as from the people who have been unkind.”

Beloved yoga teacher, B.K.S. Iyengar described his journey to wholeness through his book, Light on Life. He explains that anyone can embark on the “Inward Journey” because he says that “life itself seeks fulfillment as plants seek sunlight.” For Iyengar, yoga “allows you to find an inner peace that is not ruffled by the endless stresses and struggles of life….To a yogi, freedom implies not being battered by the dualities of life, its ups and downs, its pleasures and suffering.”

The catch is that you transcend these dualities by mastering them. He encourages his students to embrace their pain but not in a “grit your teeth and bear it” way—through a path of honoring. The great yogi says, “The pain is there as a teacher, because life is filled with pain” and “pain is our guru.” He goes on, “Learn to find comfort even in discomfort. We must not try to run from the pain but to move through and beyond it.”

Iyengar teaches us that this “is the spiritual attitude toward life.” However he assures us it is not a martyred stance that invites in pain for no reason. He clarifies that there is “right pain” and “wrong pain.” For example if we get up a half-an-hour earlier to practice yoga in the morning and face our laziness and early-morning aches and pains this would be right pain. But if we get up at 4 a.m. in the morning and wake up our entire household we will foolishly cause harm to ourselves and others and our yoga practice will not be sustainable.

Instead, “we use right pain like a vaccine against the unavoidable pain and suffering that life always sends our way.” In a testimonial to the effectiveness of this approach, Iyengar says, “In my life I count among my greatest blessings my early ill health, poverty, lack of education, and the harshness or my guru.” He goes on to say, “Without these deprivations, I might never have held on so faithfully to yoga.” He joins all wisdom traditions when he sings the praises of pain: “Pain comes to guide you. When you have known pain, you will be compassionate. Shared joys cannot teach us this.” And he laments that “Most people want to take joy without suffering” but says that “I will take both.”

As author Herman Hesse reminded us, “You know quite well, deep within you, that there is only a single magic, a single power, a single salvation...and that is called loving. Well, then, love your suffering. Do not resist it, do not flee from it. It is your aversion that hurts, nothing else.”

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Types of Grief Supported by Friends Along the Road

Friends Along the Road is an experiment in providing support for those in grief from most every cause. In this regard, it is different from most organizations that support the bereaved, because they tend to focus on one or just a few specific causes of grief, such as death of a child, death of a pet, divorce, and so forth. But it is my belief that FAR support-groups can be especially effective by providing support for grief from many causes. The results have been amazing: we have found that often, someone grieving from one cause will come to the aid of someone grieving from a completely different type of loss, and form a helpful bond. Also, FAR does not play the game of ranking the intensity or primacy or importance of the causes of grief. How could we? No one can know what is in the heart of another, or has the right to say how anyone else should experience their grief, no matter what the cause.

Here is a list of the types of grief supported by Friends Along the Road, in our private online and in-person groups:

Grief over the deaths of family members or friends, including pets and service or farm animals; stillborn children; the grief of animals for other animals, including human animals; divorce or separation; loss of custody of children; terminal or severe illness of oneself, family, or friends; loss of memory and/or former abilities and skills; job loss; homelessness; physical and mental abuse; rape; incest; torture; stress from being a soldier; stress from being in prison; bullying, mobbing, or harassment, either committed physically or via phone, letters, or online, in the workplace, school, or anywhere; victims of human trafficking; loss of sense of self; loss of innocence/childhood; inability to physically meet with loved ones who are still alive, such as when custody issues, distance, lack of funds to travel, deportation to another country, and prison prevent it; sexual dysfunction; unwarranted shame; general depression; the loss of relationship to addictive substances (addicts have reported such relationships as being the most dependable of their lives, and often grieve when they are ended). Another significant reason for experiencing grief is from finding out about multiple deaths of both humans and animals, as from war, mass murder, and natural disasters. When death happens on a large scale, it can be so overwhelming that it is difficult to process. The Japanese tsunami is one of the most powerful example I can think of. Also, the loss of our natural world and habitats from pollution, war, overpopulation, mysterious animal and plant deaths, and other causes is a valid reason for experiencing grief; the Gulf Oil Spill comes to mind. The feeling of helplessness associated with such incidents tends to accompany the grief over the initial loss of life and habitat, and can lead to dissociation, and later, shock at one's own dissociation and that of most everyone alive - that almost everyone, everywhere, to varying degrees, is dissociating from the dire situation of the world in order to mentally get through each day. A sense of helplessness to effect positive change in class-based economic and political systems can also lead to dissociation and depression, and grief. I am sure this list can be expended. Please send me your suggestions.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Preparing for the Shift of 12-21-2012

People who used to speculate a great deal on the significance of 12-21-2012 - the end of the current baktun of the Mayan long-count calendar, Timewave Zero, the galactic alignment, the very hopeful Hopi-Tibetan prophecy, and, some say, the end of the Kali Yuga - have been strangely silent on the subject for at least three months. This silence is probably because we know that all bets are off, and thus are subconsciously freaked out about its unkown nature, to greater or lesser extents. I realize that the date is questionable, because of differing ways in which the Mayan calendar is interpreted, how it correlates with our various calendars of European origin, what “galactic alignment” actually means, and how long it may take to come about. Nevertheless, I am approaching the date seriously, even though there is much about it I do not understand (most of it), and am simply unable understand at this time.

To me it seems ill-advised to be dismissive of it with pat responses such as, “Just like that Y2K thing – damn nonsense!” At the same time it might be premature to proclaim it as to be one thing or another with: “The Earth will be destroyed,” or “We shall awaken in Utopia as beings of light” (although the latter has personal attraction to me and describes the nature of my chosen life-work).

Because I had a part to play in the 1987 Harmonic Convergence, a forerunner of the upcoming moment, I know that I must be available for whatever may be going on around December 21. Selena Fox, the person responsible for getting the State Department to put pentagrams on the tombs of pagan soldiers, is taking what I consider to be a sensible attitude about it: first, she is celebrating the Winter Solstice, for that is indeed what the date is; second, she is honoring the Maya people by focusing on ideas of renewal as depicted in their calendrical system – a focus that ties in with the meaning of the solstice. I have decided to follow Selena's lead by making it my own starting point.

I am also, in preparation, fasting, and taking part in a sacred plant-ritual. Then, over a period of three days on either side of the date, Judy and I will be meditating in an isolated, snow-bound place without plumbing or the presence of electromagnetic waves. It would be fun to attend a rave and dance all night with fellow celebrants, but we feel drawn to do this other thing.

My guidance is to not take 12-21-2012 for granted, to have an open mind, and be present. 2012 has been the best year of my life. This is the year I became a human being. I discovered my self – lost since age eight – and, as a result, my mind is sharp for the first time in 44 years, and my whole/parts are working together harmoniously. It has been the most productive year ever for me in terms of creativity. For example, I was guided, like the Richard Dreyfus character in “Close Encounters,” to manifest in a feverish manner several non-ordinary projects, and to fill many notebooks with essays, stories, and ideas.

When Selena Fox remarked that 12-21-2012 is in part what we make of it, I flashed that this awakening in me has been the event itself already in operation – that I have been caught up in the transformation for most of a year.

I am, at your service,
Dave Pierce, Citizen of the Nousphere

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

What do we mean by "Caring Support"?

Friends Along the Road literature used to say that we provide "nonjudgmental" support for those in grief. We dumped that slogan because it is impossible to fulfill. Hell, I'm as judgmental as anyone, though I am constantly working on being less so. We also dumped "unconditional." But the idea behind these statements is something we strive for, always: whether we call it "existential" support, "person-centered" support, or "caring" support, we want you to know that you may be the person best equipped to figure out how you should go about your grief and mourning.

We offer support by creating safe places called "sanctuaries," and by teaching others to provide FAR sanctuaries. We hope that in a FAR sanctuary, you may feel safe and comfortable enough to make journeys of discovery, and find ways of keeping on. If you do not feel safe and comfortable enough, let us know, and we will do our best to improve these places.

And if you feel in need some guidance, our ideology will not get in the way: we will offer resources.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Do Men and Women Grieve Differently? Not Always.

By David D. Pierce Jr. Originally published by The Grief Toolbox*, October 24, 2012.

Much is made in bereavement circles about the different ways in which men and women grieve and mourn their loved ones. Men are said to be stoic, strong, tough, aloof, silent, tearless, and on the whole incapable of expressing emotion. Women are characterized as nurturing, emotional, weepy, panicky, swooning, and possessed by a need to share their grief through talking, writing, and hugging. Do these views accurately reflect the ways in which men and women grieve? Maybe sometimes, but not necessarily: the differences are often based on individuality rather than gender.

While cultural expectations abound regarding how men and women grieve, and how they should grieve, they do not define the many ways men and women actually do grieve.

It is true that in many of the Western industrialized countries, men are often reported by wives, girlfriends, sisters, and mothers as being unable to discuss deaths of loved ones, let alone display any emotion other than general anger – and sometimes, not even that. The women in their lives sometimes worry that they are bottling their emotions, unwilling to state what they really feel because they wish to avoid being perceived as weak, or are simply incapable of showing emotion due to biological reasons.

What is not so often reported is that men do grieve intensely - and expressively. We have evidence of this throughout literature, and in the history of Greek and Roman cultures, in which strong, masculine heroes shed tears and embraced. In "The Iliad," for example, Odysseus had no conflict between his heroic qualities and the fact that he often wept for home, dead loved ones, and fallen comrades. There are plenty other examples of men who grieve emotionally.

I am one such man. I have met others. We have cried together, given one another hugs, listened and shared support, and been open with our feelings. We have done this with each other alone as well as in the presence of our female friends and relatives. We know that there are men - both heterosexual and gay - who have no difficulty crying when they are in grief over someone's death, and from many other causes. Some even shed tears during movies. (I do this, too.) Men who are at ease with their emotions come in an infinite variety of ages, personalities, and appearances: they can be, for example, small and sensitive-looking intellectuals, tall, muscular jocks, or just "average guys" who watch football and drink beer on Sundays. When my daughter died, a powerfully-built policeman held me tight, and together, we wept; he was one of the strongest men I have ever met and it had nothing to do with his considerable physical strength or station in life.

Some men are inexpressive. That may be alright, too.

Quite a few women defy the stereotype of being "weak, emotional females," and prefer to grieve quietly. They may find their losses too overwhelming, or even too private or sacred, to put into words. They may never shed a tear, but instead, perhaps, go for a walk, alone, or write in a journal, or even not think much about it. My wife tends to be reserved in her expression of grief. She grieves intensely, but privately, and I respect her way of grieving, because I respect her, and appreciate her individuality. It does not mean she is emotionally "cold" - far from it; she is one of the warmest, most nurturing and considerate people I have ever known. The way women grieve has little to do with their gender, or their age, physical characteristics, or sexual preferences. As with men, cultural factors can come into play, but this is never a given, and shouldn't be an expectation of anyone.

Some women are consistently emotional in grief and mourning. Such behavior can also be quite fine.

Perceived differences in the way men and women grieve have little basis in human biology. Just as there is no "shopping gene" that causes women to automatically accumulate shoes and handbags, there is no "football" gene for men, no "Clint Eastwood” gene that makes men hard, cold, unemotional. Gender-responses may be noticeable among some men and women, but these are caused mostly by cultural conditioning, not genetics. Sure, hormonal factors can come into play, but no matter the gender, hormonal reactions can be quite inconsistent, and do not account all that much for differences in the way people grieve.

If all your life you are told, as a man, that you are unemotional, or as a woman, that you must cry, you may come to exhibit these behaviors. In reality, there are huge variations in the way we grieve, not based on gender, but on individuality. For this reason I do not, in my work with the bereaved, have separate groups for men and women. I support each person's unique experience of grief, and not cultural expectations of the bereaved. I do not wish to perpetuate damaging stereotypes. To be able to really grieve, people need to do it on their own terms, in the ways they are guided to do by the nature of their own personalities, the individuality of the people who died, their relationships with them, the surroundings, and myriad other factors.

I never thought much about death before my daughter died. Neither did my wife. Like most people in Western culture, we denied death, never mentioning the topic and always avoiding it through constant distractions such as shopping, TV, video games, sports trivia, eating, and so forth. Our focus was on making it, getting ahead, striving until our "ship came in." The idea that our daughter could die was so abominable and unthinkable that it almost never crossed our minds. Rather, we taught her common-sense ways of living and trusted that God would protect her throughout a long life. So when she was struck by a car and killed at age 14, our world stopped. Our belief-system crumbled. We beheld death, which has never left us, and faced it straight-on. We grieved. We continue to grieve.

For the first few years, my wife and I grieved in similar ways. We sobbed throughout each day and night. I would cry, and my wife would comfort me. When my tears ran out, she would cry, and I would comfort her. Sometimes we wept together, for hours at a time. But then there were plenty of times when my wife would be silent. Like a wounded animal she would go off to be alone. In the coming years, she tended to do this with greater frequency, while I continued to cry. We never questioned each other on how we expressed our feelings. Because we recognized our mutual cosmic anguish over the worst possible thing that could ever happen to either of us, we gladly and lovingly accorded one another space to figure out our own best ways of grieving.

As the years went by, we not only continued to grieve uniquely, but our grief changed. Thirteen years later, we still grieve. We have no preset ways of going about it, even from one day to the next.

In our experience of providing support for thousands of people from all over the world who are in deep grief over the death of loved ones, or for other reasons, we have found that there are as many was of grieving as there are people in grief. And yet, sometimes men do grieve stoically, and women emotionally. We hear about it often enough from their family and friends. "My husband won't cry or even mention the name of our child!" "My wife cries all the time about her mother - I think she is broken and needs psychiatric help."

Certainly, such differences are prevalent in a culture that places a great premium on people acting the same way. In the consumerist societies of the United States, Canada, and the UK, there are tremendous forces at work on each person, from the time of one's birth until the end of life, to follow specific patterns of behavior. In school and church we are taught that men exhibit one set of characteristics, women another. This is reinforced by an unceasing barrage of propaganda through television and other media. Why? Because when people can be conditioned to live and act in certain prescribed ways, they are more easily controlled, and make better, more docile, consumers. This propaganda has its origins in the Industrial Revolution and extends to grieving stereotypes, because if the ways people grieve can be controlled, and people guided to "get over it" in a "suitable" time-period, then their focus can once again be returned to the old pursuits of producing and consuming.

Fortunately, there have always been people who resisted such notions. Many whose worlds are stopped by the death of a relative, friend, or beloved pet, immediately realize that nothing else in life can compare to the magnitude of such an event. Thoughts of "getting over it," or "being strong," or "being a man," become revealed for their hollowness, and are jettisoned as harmful illusions. When one has lost the person he or she lived for, and the world collapses, concerns about "being masculine" or "acting like a proper woman," or living to impress others, fly out the window. What becomes important is learning to stay alive, and to live with one's grief.

If you have a family member or friend who is in grief, and not acting the way you think he or she should, ask yourself: Why do I have an agenda for this person? Do I really know best about how someone should grieve? Even if it is my own husband or wife? Does my society even know? Is there another way I can support this person rather than by pushing my own views?

Suppose that your husband cannot cry, cannot talk about the death of his daughter. Is this necessarily wrong? Does it really mean he is not wounded to the core? Or what if your wife is never quiet on the subject of her grandfather's death: she cries at all hours, never sleeps, has stopped doing housework and appears to have no interest in anything. Must you intervene?

While it can be helpful for some people to express emotions during grief, or at times not express it, it can be destructive to pester them about it. Sometimes a person will not cry for a year, or even mention the loved one who died, and then suddenly break down and grieve forever after. I have a friend who lost her husband, parents, and grandparents, all within a period of a few months, and she did not acknowledge her grief for 20 years. Then one day it hit her, and began coming out. It still is, years later, and she runs one of the finest bereavement sites on the Internet. A woman who read in the paper about our daughter's death began a correspondence with me in which she revealed that, following her own daughter's death, she did not leave her bed for three years. Her relatives continually pressured her to get counseling. However, she trusted her instincts, began a ministry of writing to people such as us who'd lost their children, and, after three years, emerged strong and able from the bedroom. I have known men who cried every day for years and then, suddenly, a day came when there were no more tears. Or people who grieved like clockwork: for two weeks they were in pain, and then, like magic, had no more pain whatsoever. This may seem strange to those of us (me) who consider it absolutely fine to be in deep grief until we die, but really, such a mode of grieving may be just right for some. Who are we to say otherwise?

In Latin countries, in the country of Norway, and in areas of Africa and Asia, people are often wonderfully free of cultural expectations of how to mourn the deaths of loved ones. Men and women may cry, or not cry, and it is OK; the focus is not on fulfilling cultural expectations, or “getting it over with” so “normal life” can resume, but on honoring the lives of the deceased, and being true to one's personal experience of grief.

The variations of grief are infinite and ever-evolving, and none of us should attempt to confine a person's way of grieving to fit our own notions. There are of course instances of grieving that are self-destructive, or destructive to others, and in such cases, professional help should be sought. But often, people seem to develop their own natural and relatively safe strategies for grieving.

Friends Along the Road creates sanctuaries - temporary and permanent - in which people may grieve on their own terms, in their own ways. We believe that often, the best thing that can be done for those in grief is to make them as safe and as comfortable as possible, be present, have resources at hand, and then get out of the way so they may make their own journeys of discovery.

Take heart: No matter your gender, age, sexual preference, or cultural background, you have the natural right to grieve as you wish.

To learn about Sanctuary Anywhere - how to create it and how to teach it to others, please visit www.friendsalongtheroad.org.
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The Grief Toolbox offers tools for finding hope along this journey. Please visit and join their community at www.thegrieftoolbox.com

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

How to Create Sanctuary Anywhere for Those in Grief

Grief can strike at any time, any place: school, work, church, the grocery, on a plane, a bus, in prison, online - anywhere. Regardless of when and where such feelings occur, they are not wrong or inappropriate; they are natural responses to the death of a loved one, and should be respected. When someone near you is overcome with grief and having a hard time functioning, it is possible to provide sanctuary by helping him feel as safe and comfortable as possible, and being present to listen, console, and offer resources.

Bereavement sanctuaries are places in which those in grief may feel safe and comfortable enough to express - or not express - the pain of their loss, free of others' expectations. A bereavement sanctuary can be a permanent place, in which people may stay or live and be able to grieve on their own terms; or it may be established temporarily, during emergencies or at any time when someone is experiencing horrible feelings of grief.

When someone in your proximity - or on the phone or online - expresses strong feelings of grief, it is possible to use the surroundings (or virtual environment you create) to help her be more at ease. Follow intuition and cues.

In a physical setting, one who is obviously suffering may or may not care to be approached, but at least you can give him a smile and maybe a kind word. If he seems OK with your presence, make yourself available to listen. If he accepts your offer, say “Great” or “Thanks” and give your name. Look around. Try to find the closest area of least stress from the presence of people, animals, and vehicles, where the lights may be dimmer and noise softer.

In a grocery store or restaurant, for example, this might be the area by the restrooms. On a bus, train, or plane, it could be an area where there are rows of empty seats. In a church or school you might go into the hall, or find a lobby, and in a park you could sit on a bench or under a tree. Use the natural features around you to find areas of relative comfort.

Ask the person to follow. If she agrees, walk to the chosen area and ask how you may help. Ask if you may call a family member or a friend. If the person seems in trouble, you might offer to call for help (you should have police, suicide hotline, and shelter numbers programmed into your cell phone).

If the person is overcome with grief and unable to move, then use the spot where he is standing or sitting as best you can. In a grocery checkout line, or a crowded movie theater, this may be problematic, especially if the person is sobbing or shouting or screaming. The people around you may express annoyance, but you can explain that the two of you will move as soon as possible.

When grief erupts on the phone or online, the physical setting is not so important, but you can suggest that the suffering person move to a room or area inside or outside that feels more comfortable. You might wish to seek greater comfort for yourself; your ability to feel safe and calm directly affects the mood you project.

Whether you are creating sanctuary in person, on the phone, or online, relax as much as possible by taking deep breaths, and focusing on the person in grief; this will help everyone relax.

In a physical setting, offer a beverage if you can, but don't pressure the person to accept it.

Say, “Please tell me what's going on. I am here to help.” The person may or may not respond. If she does, be present: attentive but not forceful; interested, yet quiet unless asked or guided to provide helpful input; warm yet not stifling. Try to listen as carefully as possible. Do not interrupt with stories about yourself.

Allow him to express anger, hurt, confusion, unreality, and despair, and let him know by your calm presence, or with words, that it is okay. Be prepared for the person in grief to seem completely disconnected from the reality you are in. Do your best to protect him from hurting himself or others. If necessary, call 911 for help. Working well with whatever environment you may find yourself in can make an enormous difference in this regard.

Here's how my friend who inspired this article created temporary sanctuary in a restaurant:

"It was busy and filled with people. Our server took the drink order and it was clear he was preoccupied. 15 minutes passed and we didn't see him or the drinks. Finally he returned, dazed, no drinks in hand. My husband asked him if we could get our drinks. The server said, 'I didn't think it had been that long,' and my husband assured him that while it had been a long while, it was no big deal. When the server returned, he apologized and explained that he wasn't himself, that his best friend had been killed in an auto accident. We asked to hear his story and to offer some support. We told him that everything had to seem meaningless here compared to his loss. He was so relieved to know we understood, as it appeared that the other customers and servers (who didn't know of his loss) just continued to go about their business and to even be demanding of him, only deepening his sorrow. Boy did this put things in perspective! It made me wish I could reach out and find as many people like him so that I could help in any way possible."

Temporary sanctuaries can be of varying duration, and the relationships can be reestablished by checking on the grieving persons from time to time, inviting them for coffee, lunch, a trip to the zoo, whatever. It can mean a great deal to someone in grief when others offer such unconditional support.

One can become ever more able to offer Sanctuary Anywhere by cultivating an attitude of preparedness, both mental and physical, by keeping small first-aid kits on hand, by providing zones of safety such as your car or even an umbrella, and becoming familiar nearby parks or quiet shelters.

Most important is the ability to improvise, so that wherever you are, your presence is a safe place in which people may express grief. When you create sanctuary, even with just a kind word or glance, you are a friend along the road.

May we all be friends along the road.

If you would like to learn more about creating Sanctuary Anywhere for those in grief, please visit the Friends Along the Road website.